Archive for 'random ramblings'
(Side note – I’m starting this post with “dear diary” to indicate I’m about to dump my brain out here with mostly personal thoughts that have little, if anything, to do with photography, so if photos is what you’re here for today, feel free to skip ahead to the next post, k? 🙂 )
Anywho. This afternoon I was laying on the bed while Kate nurse-napped, a little thing we do twice or more each day, and I was thinking again about the same things that had been swirling around my head. My brain has been feeling unsettled lately.
If you read my ramblings on Instagram, you know I’m big on the whole enjoy-every-aspect-of-motherhood-guilt-free-because-time-is-fleeting thing.
But lately some guilt has snuck in. And along with it frustration and pressure.
Feeling guilty because my being guilt-free indulging in motherhood means my husband doesn’t have that same privilege to enjoy fatherhood or personal creative endeavors, having to work and provide for us and all.
Frustrated because I actually do have lofty and exciting goals for my business to not only help provide for us more, but grow my offerings and continually better the artwork I create for my clients. Yet I can barely hold my head above water with editing, fulfilling orders, not to mention marketing, daily tasks and personal projects (and by “barley” I mean not really at all).
And pressure because besides the endless business to dos the household tasks are piling up, the walls are still blank, and so very little gets done, making me feel like succeeding at motherhood means failing at everything else. Not that I’m convinced right now I’m succeeding at motherhood either…
My thoughts for solutions to get more time out of the day ranged from sleep-training Kate so she doesn’t need me by her side to get a good nap (she’s a little ninja and knows the second I try and sneak away) to getting up at 3 or 4am every morning to get my work done while everybody sleeps – a terrible idea really, I’m lucky enough to be a mom who actually gets enough sleep and I want to give it up???
But then I remembered a post I recently read about seasons of life (I really love this term!) and having it all, but not all at the same time. Which is funny because that’s a sentiment I often tout myself, one that played a big role in many of the dreams I realized. And I felt like a hypocrite realizing I’m feeling unsettled because I’m trying to have it all. Right now. All at the same time. How did I, of all people, fall into this trap?
Cue brain fog lifting with a big a-ha moment. We’re in the baby season right now. How much longer will Kate need me by her side to fall and stay asleep? I don’t know, but I know it will end. I don’t want to have regrets later, feeling I rushed through baby season, longing for it to return. So I’m going to tell my lofty business goals to take a backseat. Next to the nicely decorated, always clean house, my artist aspirations and the to do list.
It doesn’t mean I won’t work, or let our house turn into a complete pig stye, or quick my art projects. But I’m going to be ok with however little I get done each day. I’m going to continue the daily nap-nursing sessions and soak them in. And in exchange I’m going to be ok with probably not being able to afford a trip to Switzerland, my favorite photography retreat, that new couch I’d been eyeing, and the backyard pool I’m wanting pretty badly. Because it’s a give and take, and it’s my choice to have this one thing right now. There will be a season for travel, a season for growing the business and allowing my husband freedom from a 9-5 job, a season for house renovations and all those other things. Those seasons will get their turn. I have a feeling baby season will fly by faster than I’d like as it is.
And just now, as if to tell me my feelings are right on track, this beautiful video popped into my inbox. A tiny glimpse into my baby season, into my heart, as seen by my sweet, humble and very talented friend Jennifer of Jennifer Kapala Photography in Calgary. Should I ever have doubts, I’ll just loop this a few dozen times…
Editing this session on the last day of 2014, I came upon this photo and stopped in my tracks, realizing while technically flawed on many levels, it so perfectly represents my mood today. I’m longing for some time to just be still and reflect on the year that flew by. The year that feels like a blurry whirlwind of constant motion. The year I don’t want to quite let go of yet. The year I got married, the year I grew leaps and bounds both professionally and personally, the year I had the deepest doubts as an artist, yet figured out who I am and what art I need to continue creating going forward, the year I got to meet and connect with fellow photographers who made my little business feel part of a community. If only I could stop time, just for a little bit. In a few short hours 2015 will be here and I’ll need to dive in, ready or not. There’s so much I’ve been wanting to say, to share, many blog posts that were written in my head, and never made it out.
So as time is running out for last words of 2014, I will keep it simple and send out a THANK YOU. Thank you to all my clients, who have trusted me in 2014 and years past, to create photos for them, who blindly trusted my vision without ever meeting me before, who fearlessly let me see their true selves, just they way they were. Thank you to my photography peers, for so much support, encouragement and inspiration. Thank you to my husband, my constant rock of support, who believes in me more than I believe in myself. And thank you to all of you, for reading this, for telling your friends about my work, for your “likes” and kind words and support.
I am wishing us all a wonderful new year, may it be filled with joy and laughter, may we all remember what matters, be as kind as we can, love a little more, and support those around us. Happy 2015!
I’m sorry for the recent neglect. I didn’t forget about you, but since traveling to Switzerland and Colorado in May, I just can’t seem to catch up on things… hopefully you’ll forgive me.
Anywho. I went to Switzerland to visit my family (that’s where I grew up, though I think most of you know that). My parents were celebrating their 40th anniversary, and planned a weekend trip to the mountains, to the tiny village of Unterbäch to be exact, where we used to vacation as kids. Yes, as you can see here, the hills were alive with the sound of music 😉
Happy 40th anniversary to my parents, who are the best Mom and Pops I could have wished for. They taught us by example to be good people, care for others, have fun, and what matters most in live. I’m so lucky to have them and my brothers. Loved spending time with them and wished it was longer, but I’m already excited about our next family reunion – happening here in Maui in the next year or two…
Oh and just for fun, here’s my parents, then and now. I think they’re so cute 🙂
I keep promising more about me and my life here on the blog, and what better day than today for a little personal note? It’s of course going to be about giving thanks – a big THANK YOU to all the people in my life.
This year has brought a lot of changes and I feel truly blessed to have a whole community of people behind me who support me, help me, and always want the best for me. My family and childhood friends in Switzerland, who still wonder what this whole Thanksgiving thing is all about. My Colorado friends who supported my move here despite my leaving them behind. My new Hawaiian friends, who opened their arms and hearts and welcomed me into their life and make me feel like we’ve been friends for years. And to my clients, who trust me to create art and memories of what matters, thank you. For trusting me and believing I’m “worth it”, for supporting a tiny business instead of a big chain, for growing with me, returning repeatedly, and sending your friends my way, for allowing me to do what inspires me, follow my passion and call it “work”. And to all the random people out there who may not even know they’ve enriched my life with a simple gesture, comment or smile.
Without all of you, I wouldn’t be here, living this amazing life. So from my Thanksgiving on the beach to your home, thank you all!