Posted on Mar 24, 2016

Dear Diary,

(Side note – I’m starting this post with “dear diary” to indicate I’m about to dump my brain out here with mostly personal thoughts that have little, if anything, to do with photography, so if photos is what you’re here for today, feel free to skip ahead to the next post, k? 🙂 )

Anywho. This afternoon I was laying on the bed while Kate nurse-napped, a little thing we do twice or more each day, and I was thinking again about the same things that had been swirling around my head. My brain has been feeling unsettled lately.

If you read my ramblings on Instagram, you know I’m big on the whole enjoy-every-aspect-of-motherhood-guilt-free-because-time-is-fleeting thing.

But lately some guilt has snuck in. And along with it frustration and pressure.

Feeling guilty because my being guilt-free indulging in motherhood means my husband doesn’t have that same privilege to enjoy fatherhood or personal creative endeavors, having to work and provide for us and all.

Frustrated because I actually do have lofty and exciting goals for my business to not only help provide for us more, but grow my offerings and continually better the artwork I create for my clients. Yet I can barely hold my head above water with editing, fulfilling orders, not to mention marketing, daily tasks and personal projects (and by “barley” I mean not really at all).

And pressure because besides the endless business to dos the household tasks are piling up, the walls are still blank, and so very little gets done, making me feel like succeeding at motherhood means failing at everything else. Not that I’m convinced right now I’m succeeding at motherhood either…

My thoughts for solutions to get more time out of the day ranged from sleep-training Kate so she doesn’t need me by her side to get a good nap (she’s a little ninja and knows the second I try and sneak away) to getting up at 3 or 4am every morning to get my work done while everybody sleeps – a terrible idea really, I’m lucky enough to be a mom who actually gets enough sleep and I want to give it up???

But then I remembered a post I recently read about seasons of life (I really love this term!) and having it all, but not all at the same time. Which is funny because that’s a sentiment I often tout myself, one that played a big role in many of the dreams I realized. And I felt like a hypocrite realizing I’m feeling unsettled because I’m trying to have it all. Right now. All at the same time. How did I, of all people, fall into this trap?

Cue brain fog lifting with a big a-ha moment. We’re in the baby season right now. How much longer will Kate need me by her side to fall and stay asleep? I don’t know, but I know it will end. I don’t want to have regrets later, feeling I rushed through baby season, longing for it to return. So I’m going to tell my lofty business goals to take a backseat. Next to the nicely decorated, always clean house, my artist aspirations and the to do list.

It doesn’t mean I won’t work, or let our house turn into a complete pig stye, or quick my art projects. But I’m going to be ok with however little I get done each day. I’m going to continue the daily nap-nursing sessions and soak them in. And in exchange I’m going to be ok with probably not being able to afford a trip to Switzerland, my favorite photography retreat, that new couch I’d been eyeing, and the backyard pool I’m wanting pretty badly. Because it’s a give and take, and it’s my choice to have this one thing right now. There will be a season for travel, a season for growing the business and allowing my husband freedom from a 9-5 job, a season for house renovations and all those other things. Those seasons will get their turn. I have a feeling baby season will fly by faster than I’d like as it is.

And just now, as if to tell me my feelings are right on track, this beautiful video popped into my inbox. A tiny glimpse into my baby season, into my heart, as seen by my sweet, humble and very talented friend Jennifer of Jennifer Kapala Photography in Calgary. Should I ever have doubts, I’ll just loop this a few dozen times…